I've spent over 52 hours spearing and executing the 100 Plus Dahagakan Bola event and yesterday was the final day. I've worked until midnight, slept for a few hours to start again at 9am on certain days. This campaign was mostly under the very hot sun, whereby normal people would stay away from and I had slight heatstroke. Awful feeling.

I haven't felt this exhausted since, well, I can't remember. It's been a while since I've been physically, mentally and emotionally drained to the point that I can't even sleep in peace. I'll be waking up around 7 or 8 am when I don't have to and that just irates me a bit more. My gym sessions were forced into 1-2 hour quick sessions in between work and I waved bye-bye to my intermittent fasting because I literally have no energy and life to starve myself strategically. This is the price you pay for proving that you are worthy of the new job you have just been given - or more like, a new position!

So 3 weeks ago, I applied for the hitz Integration Executive position. I was approached by Amy, who is the Head of Integration and my first thought was that I couldn't do this. I'm a bit negative on myself, but I took on board the challenge and went ahead with the interview. I had to come up with a basic concept paper - this is when you come up with an idea of an event, think of the activities and what benefit it has for the station and the client. I spent 2 nights drinking and 2 hours in front of the computer to come up with my concept which I was actually very proud of.

Here's something about me - I am hard on myself. When I got the interview task, I told myself that I couldn't do it. There's plenty of people better than me with better ideas and began to pounce negativity on my soul. Ironically, I also place great importance on making sure everything was thought out of, and whatever I slammed on my presentation slides would cover most aspects that means very little questioning.

I've spent 3 years in Special Events. I'm so used to coming in at 11.30am and finishing at 6pm. What a life. The most stress I've encountered (apart from battling with my own thoughts on an almost daily basis) is managing the Cruisers and that is still, fairly okay. Interview day came and I was just nervous. I never realised how nervous I could possibly be considering I've done tons of work in front of huge crowds but in front of colleagues? Gosh. I tried to tell myself that hosting in front of a crowd is way worse than this but in fact, the fear of letting myself and others down were my only thoughts. I believed in my concept and the last thing I want to do is not sell it like how it should be sold. Luckily, I got through the interview with everything that I had and scored the job.

Do I want this job? Yes. I may not sound like I do, but that's just me. I don't really know how to get what I want. Even when I like someone, the chances of me telling them: little to none. I'd want them to figure it out themselves coz I have convinced myself that humans are psychic and I have shown the Universe my interest. I become confused between my head and heart and comfort zone. I like the challenge, but I'd always be over thinking about it, you know, as in weighing the pros and cons and seeing if I'm worthy. I should stop looking down on myself. I should realise that I have a lot of potential in me. I should also stop being so afraid.

Well, time to change my life around, say goodbye to my sweet afternoon sessions at the gym and count down the days when my 11.30am slowly ends.